Never The Same Again, Thank Goodness

by Twinkle Park

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scythe I’m so glad I found another interesting obscure band to listen to!

Here’s to hoping for some more beautiful and relatable tunes to get me through my school days! Favorite track: Blood Fountain.
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With legs half-shaved from foot to calf, nail polish chipping, dissatisfied with whatever, down the stairs I go, to see you in the doorway. Hold myself back again.  Everything I saw were projections, and everything I tried to see were merely things I wanted to be.
I am a total nervous wreck, sentimental and full of dread. Do I touch my hair too much? I must touch my hair too much. So I run and hide again, in a bathroom or my bed. But our hearts beat all the same, when our heartbeats are the same.  You know you got me where I wanna be, cus these places punctuate statements in our lives. I want to be half the friend you always are to me, but I'm not.  I don't wanna waste all of our time wishing I was someone else. Tell myself I'm so dissatisfied, what if I refuse to change?  Someday I'll wake up ready to make some change. If it seems like a lot, then maybe it is.
No more drinking water from the hose, I'm sick of how i misremember things that happened in the past, it's good for no one. I talk to myself sometimes, i must be just like you.  kind gestures make me anxious sometimes, It's something i am desperate to unlearn. I tear it up to shreds before it's even done. It's just another nervous habit.  But when i wake up, to see you sitting there, been up for a while now by yourself, I always feel a little guilty. And when i wake up to see you're still asleep, I will roll over to embrace you. In this moment I want to live. I want to live like this forever.  In a moment i can't breathe, my chest tightens like it always does, and once again i fail to say your name. I wanted to be calm, I swear i tried so hard, still, in the end I'm everything I'm not. But you assure me that it's fine, that i should trust I'm still alive, and if I died, you wouldn't be right next to me. So You clasp your hands round mine, as the confidence drains from my face, and in its place, a fountain of blood.  I am so full of love i could explode.  Im sorry i talk so much about death, its just always on my mind. I still don't know if i believe in ghosts but i feel them even when i'm all alone.  I am made of love for you.  And though i know we both are sore we soon will feel relief, through antique tones and synthetic homes, our lives have yet to cease.
Legs 04:26
I don't wanna feel this longer than i have to. It's been years and years and years, I just can't make the time. Some may say its a good thing, a necessary step. Guess i can't find the worth in feeling worthless.  If i could never leave my room again, everything might just be fixed. Remove myself from so much stress, and have the choice to isolate myself from all this. I'd be myself be by myself i could grow to feel like myself.  But I know that's not the way to face what I'm dealing with. Try to learn that "i'm okay" is worth celebrating. I will grow out my hair, refusing any explanation, reclaim my everything, and turn it into something. Maybe I'll be the one to help myself this time without rejecting love from everyone who knows, like I've done a thousand times before. Like when i told you if I could see myself the way you swear you see me, I'd be okay. I'm getting there, on my own two legs, slowly and with intent.  Discard masculinity, in favor of those around me who are far more befitting of this much time. I know I'm bad at reaching out but I want you to know that you're part of the reason i got this far.  I will stop wishing for my death, at every sign of discontent, for every smile and every tear that went over my head. Give myself time, and some more credit, for every day i woke up sad and still got out of bed.


Songs about love.


released April 27, 2018

Mastered by Tim Lindsay
Album art by Alyssa Dalangin


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Pop Spirit California


Hazel M, Timothy Lindsay, & best friends.

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